Ode to Baconnaise
‘Everything should taste like bacon.’
It’s hard to argue with that, I feel. But, as a vegetarian, this obviously presents me with something of a dilemma. Imagine my delight, therefore, when I received this for Christmas:
It is bacon flavoured mayonnaise! Why was this not invented before? You can smother it on anything! I have eaten it with jacket potatoes, pizza, veggie sausages, sandwiches . . . in fact, so far, I haven’t found anything that is not improved by Baconnaise. Although not advertised as a vegetarian product – for this would, no doubt, massively put off the hard core meat eaters – Baconnaise is vegetarian. I wouldn’t say this product was the highlight of my Christmas (because that would, possibly, be a little pathetic) but it was certainly one of the highlights. Baconnaise has brought joy to my life. Rather like when I first discovered a vegetarian red wine after five years, and took to carrying the bottle around the house with me, which concerned visitors for it made me look like one of those depressed, alcoholic writers which, of course, I am not! Aha ha. I suppose eventually I will stop carrying the Baconnaise around with me but, honestly, I could eat it straight from the jar with a spoon, it tastes that good.
But anyway – hello 2010. No doubt, like all the other years, there will be both good stuff and bad stuff. Mostly I am looking forward to Lex Trent coming out in February, as I wrote the first draft of that book when I was twenty years old – three long years ago, although it seems like much longer – and, really, I have had to wait an indecent amount of time to see it on the bookshelves. But I know that this year, my work will be duly universally recognised as the genius that it really is. Or else, people will just say with a haughty sniff: ‘But it’s not Terry Pratchett, is it?’ in much the same way that one might sneer at Daniel Craig because he is not Sean Connery. No one is Sean Connery. Probably not even Mr Connery himself. I think my favourite James Bond is Pierce Brosnan but there it is, we all have different tastes. To me, Baconnaise is the nectar of the Gods – to others it might be some foul spread that no one in their right minds would willingly eat.
Now I’m off to write my traditional long list of New Year’s resolutions, about half of which I might actually keep.
Tags: Lex Trent, Veggie stuff
January 1st, 2010 at 5:16 pm
I’m Sean Connery.
January 2nd, 2010 at 6:38 pm
I’m Captain Kirk.
January 2nd, 2010 at 8:18 pm
I’m a huge fan of your work, Mr. Kirk.
But so as not to manipulate your blog with terribly failed attempts at zany humor: I wouldn’t give a crap as to who says you’re not Terry Pratchett. I mean, you’re not a jovial-looking bearded fellow with a fancy hat, are you?
I’m slowly learning to take criticism chiefly in small, bitter doses and to ignore them, mostly. There are people who will claim it’s not enough like Terry Pratchett, those same people will turn about and decry another book for being too much like Terry Pratchett. They’ll probably read it, anyway, because I suppose some people just enjoy keeping up the appearance of unhappiness.
At any rate, I’M looking forward to it and my opinion counts for at least one…maybe one and a half peoples.
January 2nd, 2010 at 10:10 pm
Pierce Brosnan? The world is a weird, wonderful place…
Anyway, looking forward to Lex Trent, now with Baconnaise (TM).
January 3rd, 2010 at 7:46 pm
So next year’s Christmas list is Baconnaise, Baconnaise and Baconnaise! Simple!
January 3rd, 2010 at 10:09 pm
Hey Alex
sitting on the other side of the world in NZ, I’ve just finished reading your book The Ninth Circle.
The back jacket really doesn’t have much to say about you does it?? “Alex Bell is a debut novelist living in Hampshire.” I got 9th and Jasmyn out of the library on a whim, and have read ninth - love it!
I googled Gabriel Antaeus just to see if his name really did have no hits (aside from book related ones) and found this instead. 
Thought I’d say hi, and admit to being just a little bit (ok, plenty) jealous that you have published books to your name, and you’re the same age as me - *I* want to write books! God knows why I haven’t done it yet…but, kudos to you. 
Maybe I can glean some sage advice off you at some point!
Anyway I was curious, in your acknowledgements at the end of 9th, you mentioned your father bought Mephistopheles…and lent him to you to write the book.
What/who is the Mephisto that he bought?
in admiration with a touch of envy,
Jessica
January 4th, 2010 at 4:43 pm
Of course you’re not a depressed, alcoholic writer: you’re a cheerful, dipsomanic one!
Oh, and I’m Spartacus.
January 5th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
Sam - small, bitter doses is definitely the way to take criticism. And, like you, I mostly ignore it anyway.
Francesco - hope you enjoy! I will accede that Baconnaise is one of the few things that could possibly improve Lex, as almost anything is better when taken with Baconnaise.
Shirley - Yes. Yes. Yes. And if there’s any money left I want the bacon popcorn too.
Jessica - glad to hear you enjoyed NC! And, yes, the jacket bio is very brief, I suspect in order not to affect the androgynous status of my name. Hence the distinct lack of pronouns.
Feel free to email me if you want to pick my brains for advice. Although I have to say that the first rule is this: take all advice with a very large pinch of salt. (Because the road to publication is different for everyone, and there is a heck of a lot of really bad advice out there etc!)
As for Mephistopheles - he is an antique bronze statue that my Dad has in his study. It’s very life like, with a cloak and sword and everything, and when we were little, my Dad told my brother and me that Mephistopheles ran around the house at night protecting us all from burglars. To this day I still half believe that he comes alive at night.
Spartacus - I like this word ‘dipsomaniac’ and shall be sure to use it as much as possible from now on.
February 4th, 2010 at 3:08 pm
Wait, what?
Oh God. Tell me, please tell me you’re kidding about the whole red wine having meat in it thing. I’m no connoisseur but I do enjoy a glass of good red from time to time - it never even crossed my mind that it’d be going against my veggie ways to do so.
Oh, no…
February 4th, 2010 at 7:45 pm
I’m afraid it’s true. It really sucks, but it’s true
A lot of red wines contain isinglass (a sort of gelatine from fish), although most vegetarians I know overlook this because they’re not as ferociously strict as I am.
There’s a handy little application for the iphone (VeganXpress) that has a list of vegetarian wines (Hardy’s, Jacob’s Creek etc). The list isn’t complete but it’s better than nothing!
February 5th, 2010 at 12:13 am
Oh! Hardy’s and Jacob’s Creek aren’t too hard to get a hold of. That’s not so bad, in that case.
Would that I had an iPhone to check out that app, sounds tres handy.
My most embarassing veggie fail to date has been an inexplicable conviction that white pudding was somehow safe. Only recently did I find a prepacked pudding in the local supermarket and think to look at the ingredients: 30% pork suet.
Really enjoying Lex Trent, incindentally, although you’re really much too young, Alex, to be quite so accomplished. Look out for a little write-up in the books recieved feature of The Speculative Scotsman in a few days.
February 5th, 2010 at 6:12 pm
Yellow Tail is another red wine that is fairly easy to find.
Re embarrassing veggie fails - I thought scotch eggs were vegetarian for ages. Was gutted when I realised they contained pork, but now Quorn do them, so it’s all good!
Delighted to hear that you are enjoying Lex. I had a ridiculous amount of fun writing that book, and laughing at my own jokes.
October 7th, 2010 at 7:40 pm
i think that Daniel Craig is only second to Pierce Brosnan when playing the role of James Bond;’-