Alex Bell - fantasy author

As previously mentioned here, each time one of my books comes out, my Mum gets me a gorgeous book teacup designed by the eminently talented, and fantastically named, Bethan Lloyd Worthington. Bethan is given a list of keywords from the book, and designs the cups from these so that they are based on elements from the story. It’s like getting a front cover, only even better.

Lex Trent versus The Gods is due to be published on the 4th February but Amazon are sending it out already, and I hear that it has been spotted in some book shops, so I have my teacup a little early.

Photos don’t quite do it justice because the fine detail is easier to see in real life, but they should give the jist. You also cannot tell from the photos that the cup and saucer have both been sandblasted in order to make it appear that they have been lost in the sea for a few millenia - or a few years, at any rate. Whilst I was in Las Vegas last year I went to a Titanic exhibition that showcased some of the exhibits they’d pulled from the wreckage, including cups and plates, and so I can personally attest to the fact that the sandblasting effect is remarkably similar to a cup that really has spent years beneath the sea.

This is the Medusa Lex battles:

This is the whiskerfish that Lex . . . ah, well, perhaps I’d better not say as I don’t want to give key plot points away, but take it from me that this strange little fish is very important to Lex indeed.

Inside the cup is a magic hat and wand. Magic hats are very important in this book, and lead to all sorts of trouble:

And in the top right hand corner below is the gigantic sand castle in the sky where the first round of the Game takes place:

So there it is - my fabulous Lex Trent book cup, which I will no doubt spend many happy hours staring at, especially when in need of inspiration. If that doesn’t make you want to buy the book, I don’t know what will. As I said, it’s available from Amazon right now so there is no need to wait any longer, peoples! Flying ships, medusas, floating sandcastles, magic hats, whiskerfish and much, much more (crones, enchanters, duckigs, space ladders, nasal lice - the list is endless) can all be yours when you buy Lex Trent!

This is the exciting tale of Smith and the Snow Hounds. A story of snow, stealth, Siameses and sinister plots. You have never heard a legend quite like this one. Once upon a time . . .

This is Smith:

These are the Snow Hounds:

This is the Evil Siamese, who has just ordered the Snow Hounds to find Smith and destroy him:

The Snow Hounds were shocked, but as the Evil Siamese must be obeyed in all things, they set out on their daring mission to find Smith and defeat him. The Black Snow Hound was the bravest but the Spotty Snow Hound - as shown in the second picture - was able to levitate at will by flapping her ears. Together, they made a formidable team. They travelled many miles through harsh and terrible terrain, sometimes going for days without food or sleep:

Carrying huge and fearsome weapons with them as they travelled:

Until, finally, after many months of weary searching, the Black Snow Hound discovered Smith’s Lair:

And the White Snow Hound pulled off Smith’s nose and ate it - effectively stripping the snowman of all his powers:

The Snow Hounds returned to the Evil Siamese’s Castle in triumph:

And the Evil Siamese slept well that night, safe in the knowledge that her enemy had been defeated:

And they all lived happily ever after, except for Smith.

The End.

Cast:

Black Snow Hound: Loki

Spotty Snow Hound: Moose

Evil Siamese: Suki

Smith: As Himself.

Pretty good, innit? I ought to go into the novel-writing business . . .

‘Everything should taste like bacon.’

It’s hard to argue with that, I feel. But, as a vegetarian, this obviously presents me with something of a dilemma. Imagine my delight, therefore, when I received this for Christmas:

It is bacon flavoured mayonnaise! Why was this not invented before? You can smother it on anything! I have eaten it with jacket potatoes, pizza, veggie sausages, sandwiches . . . in fact, so far, I haven’t found anything that is not improved by Baconnaise. Although not advertised as a vegetarian product – for this would, no doubt, massively put off the hard core meat eaters – Baconnaise is vegetarian. I wouldn’t say this product was the highlight of my Christmas (because that would, possibly, be a little pathetic) but it was certainly one of the highlights. Baconnaise has brought joy to my life. Rather like when I first discovered a vegetarian red wine after five years, and took to carrying the bottle around the house with me, which concerned visitors for it made me look like one of those depressed, alcoholic writers which, of course, I am not! Aha ha. I suppose eventually I will stop carrying the Baconnaise around with me but, honestly, I could eat it straight from the jar with a spoon, it tastes that good.

But anyway – hello 2010. No doubt, like all the other years, there will be both good stuff and bad stuff. Mostly I am looking forward to Lex Trent coming out in February, as I wrote the first draft of that book when I was twenty years old – three long years ago, although it seems like much longer – and, really, I have had to wait an indecent amount of time to see it on the bookshelves. But I know that this year, my work will be duly universally recognised as the genius that it really is. Or else, people will just say with a haughty sniff: ‘But it’s not Terry Pratchett, is it?’ in much the same way that one might sneer at Daniel Craig because he is not Sean Connery. No one is Sean Connery. Probably not even Mr Connery himself. I think my favourite James Bond is Pierce Brosnan but there it is, we all have different tastes. To me, Baconnaise is the nectar of the Gods – to others it might be some foul spread that no one in their right minds would willingly eat.

Now I’m off to write my traditional long list of New Year’s resolutions, about half of which I might actually keep.